Friday, March 15, 2013

What deserves to be a priority?

LAUNDRY (Photo credit: spike55151)
It's sort of like impostor syndrome, but not really.

I get to feeling like, because I'm not a "success" (by whatever arbitrary measure I have in my mind), I don't deserve to waste time towards success.

I've never sold writing, or monetized blogging.  So why spend precious time on writing when dinner needs to be made, and laundry needs to be done, and I've gained enough weight that I can't afford to skip the gym.

(Aside: I'm well aware that it's unhealthy to view exercise as punishment.  But I'm also incredibly frustrated at the fact that I'm simultaneously in the best shape of my life, and the fattest I've ever been.  And please don't flatter me by suggesting it's muscle weight -- my ill-fitting jeans know the difference)

Tonight, when I get home from work, I pretty much immediately have to sort and pre-treat my laundry and haul it to the laundromat.  Maybe while the laundry is spinning I can see to our finances, but more urgently, I'll also have to pick up dry-cleaning from the other laundromat and grab some groceries for dinner.  Then, once the laundry is folded, I'll pretty much immediately start dinner.  Shortly after dinner is finished, and probably before the dishes are washed, it's off to the gym, then home to shower, attend to dinner's mess, and maybe a half-hour of hydrating and unwinding before bed.  Which is later than it ought to be, leading me to have even less energy to do it again tomorrow.

Hi, there, "Marriage is a partnership" contingent.  I hear you, I agree with you, and I have a husband who works long hours in order to bring home more money than I ever will.  It's not fair for me, as a partner, to ask him to take on yet more work so that I can do something so frivolous.

I haven't earned the right to screw around.

And I know this is largely in my head, and I could move things around better if I was in a different mental space.  But I'm not, and I don't know how to get there from here.

Have you made that mental journey? How'd you do it?  I could use the advice.

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