Possible triggers ahead: grabbing and groping without consent.
When I was in Girl Scouts, I made myself do plenty of things I didn't much like.
I don't really like camping. I hate haunted houses.
And, okay, the camping thing might have been a vicious cycle. The haunted house thing is more explicit.
See, like any group, my Troop had stories, legends, in-jokes.
Even if you were in the Troop at the general time the thing -- whatever it may be -- happened, if you were not actually in attendance at that moment, you weren't going to understand.
Since it was impossible to predict when a "thing" would happen, it felt -- to me, at least; I don't think any members of my Troop read this, but if you do, feel free to speak up -- like skipping an event was risking alienation from the rest of the girls. It wasn't like a "before your time" joke that made us look up to the older girls and look forward to the day when we would succeed them. It was a reminder that I didn't fit in. If you miss out, you don't belong.
Cue the haunted houses.
I hate haunted houses, as I stated above. I could give you reasons for days, but I don't have to justify it to you, so I won't.
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| Disneyland Haunted Mansion Decorated for Christmas and Halloween (Photo credit: Wikipedia) |
I don't really like camping. I hate haunted houses.
And, okay, the camping thing might have been a vicious cycle. The haunted house thing is more explicit.
See, like any group, my Troop had stories, legends, in-jokes.
Even if you were in the Troop at the general time the thing -- whatever it may be -- happened, if you were not actually in attendance at that moment, you weren't going to understand.
Since it was impossible to predict when a "thing" would happen, it felt -- to me, at least; I don't think any members of my Troop read this, but if you do, feel free to speak up -- like skipping an event was risking alienation from the rest of the girls. It wasn't like a "before your time" joke that made us look up to the older girls and look forward to the day when we would succeed them. It was a reminder that I didn't fit in. If you miss out, you don't belong.
Cue the haunted houses.
I hate haunted houses, as I stated above. I could give you reasons for days, but I don't have to justify it to you, so I won't.
- I didn't like it when my youth group put on the kind where you repent of your sins at the end.
- I didn't like it on the boardwalk [link] when it was just a bunch of day-glo mummies and a cute boy in the boat acting as our "guide".
- I really didn't like it when the workers promised that no one was allowed to touch us, so when a worker grabbed me, I assumed it was my then-friend with a stalker-crush on me who was screwing with me, so I told him to go f--- himself, only to realize it was someone getting paid to touch me against the rule. There's a reason I don't trust that rule.
- I didn't like it when our Troop participated in the annual haunted campsite, and I always tried to steer the skit so it was more funny than scary. Even so, I preferred to work with either the games and crafts or the snacks.
- I didn't like it when my class trip to the museum included walking through a giant replica of a cow's stomach, and my jackass cousin and some of his friends decided that it would be hilarious to jump out and terrify first graders. Not really a haunted house, but if they'll pull that when they're not supposed to scare you, imagine what they'll do when they are.
- I didn't like when the sweet little old ladies on my block dressed up as witches and made their porches look creepy for trick-or-treaters.
- I didn't even much like the Haunted Mansion at Walt Disney World, and everyone knows that's more cute-funny-dumb than scary.
Basically, no matter what you do with your haunted house, from "adorable and benign" to "true crime unsolved mysteries" to "parody" to "impressively high production values", I'm just not going to enjoy it.
(I do enjoy ghost tours, though. I'm agnostic on the existence of actual ghosts, but I don't believe one is going to grab me.)
So that's a long tangent, but it should give you some background on why I felt so conflicted, to the point of real anxiety, over whether I should go on the haunted hayride with my Girl Scout Troop.
At best, I was going to find it a waste of my time. At worst, a jackass with a mask and a (fake) weapon was going to grab me.
At best, something memorable would happen and become part of the Troop's mythology. At worst, I'd miss it and it would be another strike against my ever fitting in, ever belonging.
Pretty heavy choice for a little girl.
I'm still afraid I'll miss out.
I'm still terrified I'll never fit in, never belong.
Having been criminally groped on the street on two separate occasions, I absolutely still distrust people who are in a position to grab me "for fun" when they're "officially" not allowed to.
But on the plus side, I've gotten a lot better at telling those people to f--- off.
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